December 26th 2011

Today is my 30th birthday. As i walked the cold and of grace bay beach tonight i thought of all the times over the past 10 years i have stopped and thought about where my life is and where i am going. trying to find some sort of general purpose. i remember proclaiming 2009 was the year of the book. where i would concentrate my time on writing the novel that has been bouncing around in my head for over a decade. moving on to 2010 which in turn was the year of the body. it wasnt until late 2011 when i actually started going to gym and finally got a trainer. so all in all i dont seem to be able to stay with my resolutions very well. i thought i would write them down this year and periodically check in to see where i am and see if can finally start to make some changes in my life. i dont have the greatest of track records when it comes to keeping a journal but i guess i will try.

so what i am looking for in my 30th year? i guess im looking to finally feel like im living a life. i still seem to be missing the things i find most important in my life. the only thing i seem to be really good at is travel. at this point ive living and worked in several countries around the globe and have traveled to many others. however, its starting to wear on me and maybe, just maybe 2012 will be the year i find myself in a position that i want to settle down and start to build a life.

1. finding a husband. ok ok ok... i know this is a HUGE request. but i am coming to learn this is something i really want. im not 22 years old anymore. i dont have the perfect skin i had when i was young. i have crows feet, my hair is going gray, and my mid section is betraying me more and more on a daily basis. im not saying that these are things that will land me a husband but i want to find someone before i start to loose all my youth. when i think about growing old with someone i somehow thing we need to be a little young with each other before we can grow old together. so ive learned this previous year that nothing comes for nothing. if you want something you need to go out and make it happen. in september i final kicked my butt into gear and got a trainer to help with my workouts. i didnt need miracles in the beginning but i needed someone to get me into the gym and tell me what to do. plus, i hate to loose money or spend money for that matter and i knew if there was a financial aspect to the transation i would be more included to do something about it.

i want a husband. so i need a plan of attach. for years i have been of the mind set that if something falls into my lap... fantastic. but i wasnt going to go out of my way to make something happen if it wasnt meant to be. however, see how i havent had a boyfriend since 2007 and i havent had sex since 2010... good sex since 2003... the plan isnt working.

i have to start putting myself out there. i need to start dating more and if that means giving up little bits of control and giving away the high ground from time to time so be it. i have so desperately tried to be in control of every situation that im in for so long it has alienated me from the world around me. i will start doing more things out. cooking classes, mixers, networking events... and god forbid speed dating. i will also be ok with online dating. i will use okcupid, send messages to many men, make the most of the free service. i will go on dates.

i have a trip to sydney in march and after that trip i will need to evaluate and see if things are working. if nothing is coming up then i will need to uplevel things a bit and maybe pay for a dating site. but only time will tell. 2009 - year of the book, 2010 - year of the body, 2011 - year of the god knows what, 2012 - the year of the boy.

2. the body: its a beginning but i am ready to take it to the next level. i have noticed the training is starting to work. albeit my diet needs work. i will also commit to spent the money it takes to continue with the trainer. the hardest part is going to be the diet. i cannot, i repeat, cannot eat pizza, nachos, grilled cheese, and burgers for every meal. i have already started changing my lunches and things are going well. i need to continue.

i will also go to the gym more on my own. i know its going to be hard but i can do this. yoga once of twice a week, gym with trainer, and cardio on my own. i dont care if i have a visual 6 pack but i will have a flat stomach and i want to be admit in a bathing suit at least once.

3. philanthropy. i want to start giving back to the community around me. i have lived in a world of privilege for so many years. i have also spent a great deal of time trying to convince myself i am anything but middle class. however, i need to get over it and realize there is a world out there and my job and social activities are contributing nothing to the world around me except for the amount of vodka bottle are in landfills.

i will start to look into a few different types of work. i still dont know if i want to do or where my skills might be needed. i do know i want to work in the area of LGBT rights and issues and maybe something international. maybe something dealing with international human rights. i will have to look into a few things.

4. the book. i have had this stupid book bouncing around in my head for almost 10 years now and im wondering if julien is just a thing that will be stuck in my head or if he will ever see the light of day. i have found that when im looking out plane windows or sitting on a beach in the dark i have all these wonderful poetic conversations with myself... i have dialogs about what would happen when julien and the aix meet after 10 years, explaining the pain in juliens heart when the two part ways, the long nights julien spends thinking about the one that got away. its all in there... but it need to be put down on paper. gore vidal wrote his first novel in his early twenties, i should be able fo write my first in my early thirties.

5. general health... maybe ill finally quit smoking.

6. the job. i need that promotion. i will give 110% everyday in the office. 2011 was an awful year professionally and i will turn things around in 2012!

well it getting late and this isnt turning out exactly how i planned. i will try to continue to update as the year progresses and see where i am throughout. i will amend the list of things i want to do. but heres to a great year...

husband
best apartment
moving up in the job latter
amazing body
a novel

its going to be a big year!