An Open Letter to Connexion.org and Body Dysmorphic Disorder

I have gotten several notes and emails over the past few days about the past two entries. They have ranged from “God, you are one crazy bitch” to “I have no idea why you do the things you do or what goes on in your head?” Well im glad that everyone is enjoying the material that I am putting out there. Its all for you.

So there are a few things I want to talk about today. The first is connexion.org. For most of you out there you are not going to have any idea what the website is or have any use for it once I tell you about it. Think of it as the gay facebook. Here the commercial:

Connexion is a community of 115,891 people from around the globe. Get connected to LGBT people through networks of friends for dating, conversation and fun.

Its pretty straight forward in its intent. There is nothing shady or devious about the site which is one of the things that I like about it. Most of the people on there are actors, dancers, models, bartenders, DJs, hairdressers, or in the arts some how. Ok so heres my beef. Take a look as some of the profiles below:

http://www.connexion.org/viewallphotos.cfm?id=338131&sret=5,*,0

http://www.connexion.org/viewallphotos.cfm?id=243812&sret=5,*,0

http://www.connexion.org/viewallphotos.cfm?id=362917&sret=5,*,0

http://www.connexion.org/viewallphotos.cfm?id=230797&sret=5,*,0

http://www.connexion.org/viewallphotos.cfm?id=283988&sret=5,*,0

I call foul. I mean real men don’t look like this. How the hell are the rest of us suppose to compete with that? I am sick of feeling like a am over weight and ugly. Why is it that I feel that I am not worth of dating someone because I don’t look like one of those guys? I have no idea. Ive done a lot in my life and I work my ass off… I might enjoy my chicken fingers a little too much and there might be one of two times at the gym when I’ve not done the last few reps because it was too heavy. This city is so image conscience I have no idea where to start. I was sitting in the park the first weekend when it got warm this year and the entire city of New York was in the part. It was the perfect place to watch as all of New York stripped down and you could see who had been working out for the winter and who had been storing food.

I was really happy that day (not at the fact that I couldn’t wear a sweater or something to cover my jello mid drift) becasue ive been working on protecting the sideways compliment. You know the compliment that is really an insult and I got one out that day that was prefect. So when I dated The Child a few years back, we call him the Child for the way he acted and ended the relationship… like a child, he introduced me to all of his friends. Let me tell you. I have never met a bitchy group of awful queens. Think of your high school. Now take the office receptionist, the lunch lady, and that strangely masculine lady gym teacher and roll them all into one and you have this group of guys. Ive rolled with some tough crowds in my day but I will not go anywhere near this group. Its poison. Anyways I saw the queen bee (pun intended) and walked over. Said “hey, beautiful day, so nice to see you, blah blah blah…” and so on for a few minutes. He was shortly and I said. “I’m really impressed. I have almost the exact same body shape and I would never take my shirt off in the park.” It made me smile as I walked away.

Im not sure what it is about this city. Body Dysmorphic Disorder I think should just be taking over everyone. I was in a bar a few weeks ago with a few friends just hanging out and having a good time. The bartender was in briefs as most are in gay bars in this great city. I usually don’t pay much attention as they are the help, another reason I have an issue with connexion but I will get back to that point in a moment, and you never fuck the help and god forbid you date the help. Anyways, this bartender was gorgeous. Well gorgeous enough for me to notice. And in a very non sexual, non creepy, nonchalant kinda way I said “you have a very nice body.” I feel it was almost like telling a women you work with you like her blouse or telling your mom you like her earrings. There was nothing to it. The bartender smiles and says, “Thanks, but I don’t date fat guys.” I didn’t respond. But as he watched, I picked up the money that I had put down on the bar for a tip.

Its shit like that that stops me from walking up to someone in a bar and starting a conversation. I would never have the nerve to say hello to someone after that. But blah blah blah.

All this stems from being on camera for the past few days. I had a few presentations and had to tape a couple of videos and I watched myself all day. It was horrific.